THE FALL OF ADAM AND EVE (HEADLINE)

 

“FDA Condemns Section Of The Cities Garden”

 

The section of the city garden that had been roped off by the Park Commissioners was entered into by Christians in violation of FDA regulations, stating that “Anyone Caught On Premises Would Go To Jail For Life.”

 

 

WORLD-WIDE FLOOD (HEADLINE)

 

“Man Builds Hugh Boat Inland”

 

Condo owner builds boat 77 miles away from to the nearest lake while neighbors request the government building commissioner to step in and have the construction stopped.  Meanwhile, the boat owner brings multiple unauthorized animals into the boat and the animal rights people (PETA) mount a protest while the Animal Welfare division of the government, under the Department of Justice, investigates.

 

 

THE TOWER OF BABEL (HEADLINE)

 

“Downtown Collapsed Building Blamed On Christians”

 

Building inspector confused, along with fellow workers, and all communication has stopped, with the result of the abandoning of the city project, as the union refuses to put their workers in emanate danger of the total collapse of the building.

 

 

THE CROSSING OF THE RED SEA (HEADLINE)

 

“Wetlands Trampled In Labor Strike”

 

Pursuing environmentalists were killed yesterday afternoon by the radical right, when they polluted the Red Sea by drowning them in it.  No authorities were left in the surrounding counties.  Therefore, the government is sending its investigators.

 

 

THE FALLING OF THE WALLS OF JERICHO (HEADLINE)

 

“Christians Destroy Historical Monument”

 

Beautiful section of city walls were destroyed near the “Red-Light District” of the city by Christians protesting against this lawful ordinance.  Abortions will be postponed until repairs are made.

 

 

DAVID KILLING GOLIATH (HEADLINE)

 

“Hate Crime Kills Beloved Champion”

 

New danger as religious fanatics yesterday threw stones at peaceful demonstrations.

 

 

ELIJAH AND THE PRIESTS OF BA-AL ON MOUNT CARMEL (HEADLINE)

 

“Fire Sends Religious Right Into A Frenzy”

 

A man named Elijah insights a mob to kill 850 righteous priests of Ba-al, when the mob took up fire-sticks with which to burn the priests with, but only the famous mountain was scorched.  An ensuing riot was observed by bystanders who murdered the 850 righteous priest of Ba-al.  the Queen is pursuing the issue.

 

 

JONAH AND THE WHALE (HEADLINE)

 

“Local Beach Polluted”

 

Environmentalists are upset over the polluting of the city beach by a Christian unwilling to testify in Nineveh.

 

 

DANIEL IN THE LIONS DEN (HEADLINE)

 

“Lions Reject Contaminated Food Given To Them”

 

High Official provided rotten food for local zoo animals yesterday and is being prosecuted under the city and county ordinances against providing non-approved FDA regulated food to the animals.

 

 

THE FIERY FURNACE (HEADLINE)

 

“Dangerous Carbon Released:  Three Men Blamed;” some say four.

 

Yesterday the city trash furnace was illegally heated up to seven times hotter than the cities guidelines recommend and some highly respected furnace workers were killed.

 

 

THE BIRTH OF CHRIST (HEADLINE)

 

“Couple Removes Animals From Stable”

 

Animal rights activists were enraged yesterday and are threatening to sue an insensitive couple who took action by removing animals from a stable.  Their excuse for doing such an act was that there were no rooms available at any of the local hotels which were filled to capacity.

 

 

LAZARUS RAISED FROM THE DEAD (HEADLINE)

 

“Fundamentalist Preacher Raises A Stink”

 

A conservative preacher interferes with the reading of the will of Lazarus.

 

 

JESUS’ FEEDING OF THE FIVE THOUSAND (HEADLINE)

 

“FDA Investigates The Safety Of A Mass Feeding Program; Dubbed, A Free Lunch”

 

Bread and fish were provided to over 5,000 attendees at an unauthorized convened rally.  However, charges will not be brought up for the unauthorized rally, but rather, for the non-approved FDA regulated food provided. 

 

 

PETER FINDS COIN IN FISHES MOUTH (HEADLINE)

 

“Administration Demands Peter To Spread The Wealth”

 

City leaders demand that a poor fisherman, who can pull coins out of fishes’ mouth, share the wealth with the Galilean community; instead of donating it to the Church.

 

 

THE CRUCIFIXION OF CHRIST (HEADLINE)

 

“Local Religious Leader Put To Death For Crimes Against The Nation”

 

Conservative leader found guilty of treason while claiming to be a government official.  Mass uprising ensued when one of the thieves attempted to escape his sentence.